Infertility can be a heartbreaking and isolating experience for many couples. The emotional roller coaster of IVF treatments can leave a lasting impact on those struggling to become parents. Each cycle of infertility treatments brings immense feelings of hope and extreme heartache. In this blog post, I will share our personal experience of our painful and unsuccessful infertility journey, and some of the lessons we learned along the way.
Our Decision to Start a Family
When my husband and I first made the decision to start a family, we were filled with excitement and anticipation. Like many couples, we dreamed of having children and experiencing the joys of parenthood. Little did we know, our journey towards becoming parents would be far from easy.
After a year of trying to conceive without success, we began to question if something was wrong. The first signs of infertility began to emerge, and we were heartbroken. Countless doctor appointments, tests, surgeries and consultations later, we were faced with the devastating reality that our chances of conceiving naturally were slim.
Initially, my gynecologist suggested I take a prescription medication that would be a good “first step,” prior to seeing a reproductive endocrinologist. I remember one day, when we were on about our 3rd month of this medication, I was teaching my students and I was writing on an overhead projector (yes, I’m aware that this dates me). I was so overcome with a hot flash that I was instantly dripping from head to toe. Thankfully, I had a teacher’s assistant in my room at the time, and she was able to take over while I went to the office for a little cool down. After that, my doctor told me that this medication wasn’t working and we needed to follow up with a doctor in a city about an hour from our home.
We meet with our reproductive endocrinologist. Determined not to give up on our dreams of having a family, we turned to assisted reproductive technologies, specifically In Vitro Fertilization (IVF). Over the course of several years, we endured 5 rounds of IVF, each with their own set of hope dashed and emotions shattered.
Throughout our journey, we found solace in our faith and the support of our loved ones. We found unexpected support from fellow infertility warriors, who understood the rollercoaster of emotions that comes with the territory. We were thankful for friends and family who walked this journey with us, and prayed diligently for the Lord’s will in our lives. There were times I wanted to shout at them, “No…don’t pray like that. Pray that I’ll be able to conceive and deliver!” Thankfully, I had a little tact and chose to keep that to myself. I knew deep down, I wanted the Lord’s will, but I was sure hoping that His will lined up with mine. As the years passed, I found that walking with the Lord mean that my will will line up with His.
The Emotional Rollercoaster of Fertility Treatments
Embarking on the journey of fertility treatments is like strapping yourself into a rollercoaster, not knowing what twists, turns, and heart-pounding drops await you. The emotional rollercoaster of fertility treatments can be an overwhelming experience, with its highs of hope and lows of heartache. It’s a whirlwind of emotions, from the anticipation and excitement of each treatment cycle to the devastating disappointment of negative pregnancy tests.
For us, the rollercoaster included rounds of In Vitro Fertilization (IVF) and Intracytoplasmic Sperm Injection (ICSI), each one filled with a mixture of hope and trepidation. The injections, hormone treatments, and invasive procedures became our new normal, and we held our breath with each step, hoping that this time would be the one. My husband never knew he’d become so adept at giving shots quickly, and in awkward places. We became quite skilled at doing quick injections in family bathrooms at airports, in restaurants and anywhere else along the way.
But the reality of the rollercoaster is that it doesn’t always lead to the joyful destination of pregnancy. Each failed cycle feels like a blow to the heart, leaving us questioning our bodies, our choices, and our dreams of parenthood.
Yet, amidst the heartbreak, we discovered our resilience and strength. We learned to lean on each other for support and to hold onto the flicker of hope that remained. We learned how precious the words, “I’m praying for you,” can really be when spoken by someone you know has been praying diligently for you.
Dealing with Disappointments and Losses
Dealing with disappointments and losses along the infertility journey is an incredibly challenging and emotionally draining experience. The term “barren” is painful to hear, as it encapsulates the heartache and devastation that comes with each failed cycle. It feels like a constant reminder of our bodies’ inability to conceive naturally.
In Genesis 1:28, God first tells Adam and Eve to be fruitful and multiply, “And God blessed them. And God said to them, ‘Be fruitful and multiply and fill the earth and subdue it, and have dominion over the fish of the sea and over the birds of the heavens and over every living thing that moves on the earth.” (ESV) God repeats this directive several times in the Old Testament.
I felt like my body was betraying what I was put here to do…to be fruitful and multiply. Every time the word barren would come up in a sermon at church, my eyes would fill with tears. Truth be told…they still do all these years later.
Finding healthy outlets to process these emotions is essential. This may include seeking support from a therapist or support group, leaning on our partner or loved ones, or finding solace in creative outlets like writing, painting, or exercise.
The Financial Burden of Infertility Treatments
The financial burden of infertility treatments is a heavy weight, and an often overlooked aspect, that many couples face on their journey to parenthood. The costs of fertility medications, doctor appointments, and procedures can quickly add up, often reaching tens of thousands of dollars. My medication could not be found at my local pharmacy, so a change in dosage could mean begging a company to overnight medication. Or driving hours for that one vial to hold me over. The school secretary signed for a few packages for me over the course of our IVF journey because having it shipped to my home meant that I couldn’t temperature control it as soon as it arrived.
Insurance coverage for infertility treatments is limited, leaving many couples to shoulder the financial burden on their own. It can be a stressful and overwhelming experience, as the pursuit of parenthood becomes intertwined with financial worries. I’m pleased that now so many more companies are helping with their employee’s fertility journeys. A dear friend had complete coverage for her fertility journey and I’m thrilled to say has conceived and is due later this calendar year. I will continue to pray and advocate for more coverage for infertility treatments.
For my spouse and I, the financial strain of our infertility treatments was tough. We had to make sacrifices, cutting back on other expenses. It felt like a constant battle between our desire to become parents and the limitations of our bank account. We were thankful that God provided jobs for both of us during that time. We lived off of my husband’s paycheck, and spent mine on fertility treatments. It was truly a blessing that we were able to do this.
Navigating Relationships with Friends and Family
Navigating relationships with friends and family while dealing with infertility can be a complex and delicate task. It’s important to remember that not everyone will understand the emotional turmoil and struggles that come with the journey. Some may offer well-intentioned but insensitive advice, while others may inadvertently hurt us with their unintentional comments.
We trusted that God had a plan, but it still hurt to attend baby showers, to watch my friends have their first child, their second, their third and so forth all while we’re desperately throwing our emotions, our bodies, and our finances into IVF.
During this time, it’s crucial to lean on the support of those who understand and empathize with our struggles. Surrounding ourselves with people who offer a listening ear, a shoulder to cry on, and words of encouragement can provide a much-needed source of strength. It’s also essential to establish boundaries and communicate our needs to our friends and family. Let them know what is helpful and supportive, and what is hurtful or unhelpful.
Finding Support in Unexpected Places
Infertility can be an isolating and lonely experience, but in our journey, I discovered support in some unexpected places. As we navigated the ups and downs of fertility treatments, I found solace in the online infertility community. Connecting with others who understood our struggles, shared their own stories, and offered words of encouragement became a lifeline for me. These virtual connections provided a safe space to vent, ask questions, and share my fears and hopes.
We also discovered unexpected sources of support within our own circle of co-workers, friends and family. I started working at a new school during one of my rounds of IVF. I had no idea that the corporation had hired someone who would turn out to be one of the dearest friends I could ever ask for. She is someone who has walked her own path through infertility and adoption. I will speak of her often throughout this blog, as she’s been an incredible support, a shoulder to cry on, and one person who truly understands things from my perspective.
The Final Decision: Moving Forward through Adoption
Prior to our 5th round of IVF, I felt the Lord telling me that it was not about what I wanted from Him, but what He wanted from me. I felt a strong pull towards adoption, and was reminded often over the coming days and weeks of God telling us to care for orphans and widows. I knew there were people lined up and waiting for babies. But I also knew there were countless children in foster care. Some are referred to as “hard to place” because they were in sibling groups, had behavior issues or one of the other myriad of reasons used to define them as such. There were many children who were hurting and hoping for a new family.
We decided to purse adoption classes through foster care as we entered our 5th round of IVF. During the break, my husband and I would step into the restroom so he could give me the shots I needed for that round.
Despite our best efforts, our path to parenthood through IVF ultimately came to an end after that 5th round. The term “barren” became the reality we had to face. However, we felt sure we were headed in the proper direction. While the road to adoption was not without its challenges, it allowed us to find new hope and realize that we could still be parents.
Adoption has been a reminder that sometimes, the best things in life come when we least expect them. Our journey has been filled with twists and turns, but the love and joy we have found in our adopted children are beyond measure.